First day of Chemotherapy

Today we had our first visit to the oncologist. I couldn't manage to go alone this morning to meet Beau's new doctor. Thank God my biggest brother Justin didn't work this morning so he could be there with me for support. I had waited five days to finally get to see Dr. Kim Hillers at Southwest Veterinary Surgical in Scottsdale. Five days was long enough, so I took the earliest appointment I could get-8 am. Beau is always great at the vet's office, he just chills on my lap til the doctor enters. We sat down and filled out the regular paper work... finally they called us in. My first reaction from her was that she is extremely sweet and personable. Her first course of action was to find all the lesions and make a note of them. Of course I knew where they all were so it wasn't very difficult for her to find them with my help.  Next was the hardest part of the appointment- the only time when I almost lost it- she asked me what I planned to do, if I wanted to proceed with treatment. I didn't know how to reply, I knew I was about to cry. I felt tears well up in my eyes when I said, "Yeah I don't want him to be uncomfortable or in pain... so whatever you would do for your dog is what I want to do..". Thankfully, those tears never fell. I think if I was alone- if Justin wasn't with me- I would've cried because of the nerves and fear. That would've been quite embarrassing..."Nice to meet you, wanna see me cry?" That's when Dr. Hillers gave us an estimate of today's appointment. She said she could take biopsies of the bumps and look at them under the microscope and that would cost $400 or she could do that plus run tests for Valley Fever and Flea Fever and that would cost about $500. She quite honestly told me she didn't think he had either one of those, she was pretty positive it was Lymphoma based on his lesions. So we went with the cheaper option. Dr. Hillers came back and told me that he definitely had Lymphoma. She took samples from two separate areas two be positive, even though Beau didn't like the feeling of being scraped. I tried to put my mind past his discomfort. Beau has what other dog's don't typically have- T-Cell Lymphoma- most other dogs have B-Cell. Of course, there is a shorter life expectancy with T-Cell Lymphoma, just our luck right? Dr. Hillers said that most dogs live 6-9 months with this cancer, it most likely wouldn't be 2 years again. The thing made me so happy is that from the moment we walked into the office she made a point to tell me what a miracle Beau is. Of course I know that he is a miracle but it is great to see that other people realize it too. He is my miracle. We of course gave him the oral chemo-which is just a pill- he won't lose any hair or anything. We're going back in a week to check his white blood cell count. She started the dosage of chemo small so that she didn't over treat him and kill too many white blood cells. Please pray that he takes this well. I'll be by his side every step of the way.

How am I feeling.....? Well, I don't know if I can put it into words. I feel helpless but not hopeless. I can't do much to help him but I can hope and pray (daily, sometimes twice daily) for the best. Every time I look at him I feel like crying. A couple of times I lost it and just held him while I wept and told him i'm sorry.. but he kept staring at me like, " What are you cryin' for mama?!"... so I decided to stop crying and to be strong for him. I want to try to enjoy every moment I have with him. So I try to hold the tears back. I'm scared. I'm sad. I'm worried above all. But I have faith. Everyday is a new day. Every minute with him is a gift. <3

Donations:

2 today from Nohea Cutting (Friend) and Steve & Toni Ruff (Family) 

Thank you all for all the support. I can't put into words how much it means to me. I love you all.

Beau on the way to his first day of Chemo
My brave boy