Yesterday I woke up to my alarm going off and looked over at my dear lover Beau, he barely even opened his eyes he was so sleepy. I got out of bed - eventually - and he just stayed laying there. He was so lethargic and didn't follow me around like he usually does. I made him break fast and he barely took two bites. I started freaking out because of course I had to leave him for this once in a lifetime interview but he was not looking good at all. I tried calling/texting anyone who might have the heart to sit with the little man for an hour...no such luck. I emailed the vet, she told me to once again put off chemo and even giving his meds til he ate some food. I decided to leave him locked in my room so he would have some peace, away from the annoying dog that lives with us. That interview felt like the longest of my life and so did the drive home. Finally I got home and he had eaten (and gotten out of bed to piss on my floor)! Hallelujah! I probably hugged him for a solid three minutes before he squirmed out of my arms. I try not to think about the fact that he might be gone some day but it always creeps into my mind and it is so freakin hard to not cry. Today I even half convinced myself that he has valley fever and not cancer.. which is insane because the oncologist said he for sure has lymphoma. It's just still way too hard to believe. I'm so worried that he's in pain. I read today that dogs with lymphoma get depressed. The idea of Beau being depressed makes me feel physical pain in my gut. There is nothing in the world that I want more than for him to be a healthy, happy, energetic, hairy (he's insanely bald), playful, five and a half year old pup. It kills me to think that the one thing that I rely on in this world might not be here anymore and I will feel more alone than ever. Getting myself out of this funk is so difficult. Once I start to feel this way I get crazy. All I need is good news from the vet. Which may be possible considering I'm going to see Dr. Rosonke, his regular -and awesome- vet tomorrow. Reason being? Well something completely ridiculous that could've been 100% prevented happened. The swelling from the dog fight with Ruby (roomie's dog) still hasn't gone down. It's been three full days of 250 mg of Augmentin (antibiotics) and his eyes are still swollen. This fight was probably around two weeks ago. Nothing makes me more pissed off. Beau is going through pain on top of his cancer. Dr. Hillers, the oncologist who prescribed the antibiotics thinks maybe it is an abscess and tomorrow we are going to Dr. Rosonke to find out. She also said she thinks there's a slight chance it could be something else, like a tumor. Although that doesn't make any sense to me because Beau gets into a fight, hours later his eye is swollen into the size of a ping bong ball-it hasn't gone down in size or changed form in any way. Tumor's don't just slow up in a few hours, or over night even (at least not that big). So we shall see. Either way, like I said on post #1, I will not allow him to go through life miserably. Sorry to be such a debbie downer. The rest of my life is going amazing, but it doesn't seem to matter because the core of my life has a terminal illness. It's been a few days since we were supposed to give the second round of chemo, we haven't received a donation since Sunday, and I have vet bills -that were completely preventable- to pay. This is the time when I wish I was a bad ass guy who punched walls, because that would really help me let some anger out. But you know what? Some people don't get a chance to love something as much as I love Beau, some people don't get to experience this feeling, and I have it every single day; for that, I am grateful. Each second is a blessing. I love him so much. Please help me keep him around longer. I know that the chemo will start back up again extremely soon, maybe even by the weekend.

My love. My life. My Beau.